Will Anfeldt

A survival guide for the accidentally promoted

Congratulations! Someone looked at your work and thought, “You know what this person needs? The responsibility for other people’s problems.” Welcome to management, where your biggest achievement will be keeping everyone happy while slowly forgetting what you used to be good at.

Don’t panic. With these seven scientifically-unproven steps, you too can become the kind of manager people don’t actively plot against in the break room.

Step 1: Master the Art of Looking Busy While Actually Listening

Gone are the days when you could put on headphones and ignore the world. Now you must perfect the delicate balance of appearing perpetually swamped while being emotionally available for every crisis, from “the printer is making a weird noise” to “I think I’m having an existential breakdown about quarterly reports.”

Pro tip: Keep a notepad handy. Writing “milk, eggs, bread” while nodding thoughtfully makes you look like you’re capturing important insights about workplace synergy.

Step 2: Learn to Speak Fluent Corporate While Maintaining Your Soul

You’ll need to master phrases like “let’s circle back on this,” “we need to ideate solutions,” and “this is a great opportunity for growth” (translation: “everything is on fire, but we’re calling it a learning experience”).

The key is delivering these with just enough sincerity that people believe you, but not so much that you start believing yourself. It’s a tightrope walk between inspiration and parody.

Step 3: Perfect the One-on-One Meeting That Doesn’t Make Everyone Want to Quit

These meetings should be more therapy session than performance review. Learn to ask “How are you really doing?” and then actually wait for an answer longer than “fine.”

Stock up on tissues and practice your “concerned but not alarmed” facial expression. Also, never schedule these meetings right after lunch when you’re both in a food coma—nobody makes good life decisions while digesting a burrito.

Step 4: Become a Master of Constructive Feedback (AKA “Criticism Sandwich” Chef)

The formula is simple: compliment, criticism, compliment. It’s like making a feedback sandwich where the meat is disappointment and the bread is desperate attempts to preserve self-esteem.

“Sarah, I love your enthusiasm for creative solutions! That said, maybe next time we shouldn’t redesign our entire website because you had a vivid dream about flying unicorns. But your passion for innovation is truly inspiring!”

Step 5: Accept That You Are Now the Official Keeper of All Awkward Conversations

Somebody has to tell Derek from accounting that his new cologne smells like a haunted Christmas tree. Someone needs to address the passive-aggressive sticky note war happening in the kitchen. Congratulations—that someone is you.

You’re now part manager, part diplomat, part referee, and part therapist. None of these were in the job description, but here we are.

Step 6: Develop Supernatural Patience for Technology Explanations

You will spend roughly 73% of your time explaining why we can’t just “make the website more fun” or why the budget spreadsheet “keeps eating numbers.” Learn to explain technical limitations without using the words “impossible,” “stupid,” or “are you kidding me right now?”

Remember: every question is a good question, even when it’s definitely not.

Step 7: Master the Ancient Art of Celebrating Small Wins

In the corporate world, finishing a project on time and under budget deserves the same celebration as landing on the moon. Learn to get genuinely excited about things like “increased email open rates” and “successful implementation of the new filing system.”

Your enthusiasm will be contagious—or at least your team will think you’ve finally snapped and will be extra nice to you out of concern.

The Secret Bonus Step: Remember You’re Still Human

Behind all the management theory and corporate buzzwords, you’re still a person managing other people. Some days you’ll nail it. Other days you’ll accidentally reply-all to a company-wide email with your grocery list. Both are perfectly normal.

The best managers aren’t the ones who never make mistakes—they’re the ones who can laugh at themselves, apologize when they’re wrong, and remember that everyone’s just trying to do good work and go home to their families (or cats, or houseplants, or Netflix).

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Disclaimer: Following these steps does not guarantee you won’t occasionally hide in the supply closet questioning your life choices. That’s just part of the management experience. The supply closet is where all the best managers do their thinking anyway.